Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I wish I cared about the things you did, but I don't...

Hello, lovelies! :)

What a beautiful Sunday night. The air is slightly breezy and chilly, but the air is just delicious outside! I just came back from my brother's gf's birthday party (I consider her my sister, so I always refer to her as my "sis". They catered Chinese food and she even made her own batch of fresh sangria! I don't drink (well, hardly ever) so I don't know how it turned out, but from the looks of everyone else at the party---it was a hit!

I wore a skin-tight faux-leather H&M minidress that I got awhile back on-sale for only $15. Killer!

Still trying to get used to my new dark hair, so so's feelin' more like me.

Loved the lipstick I used here, it's from NYX and it's called "Louisiana". I actually peeped this when I was on Beautysplurge 's YouTube beauty channel. She wore it in one of her videos, and it was gorgeous on her! So, I ran to my local ULTA to cop one for myself...and I am so glad I did!

I wore this necklace that I got from Forever 21 and it's so funny. A lot of ppl at the party kept coming up to me to ask if I had liquor stored inside it, since it resembles one of those alcohol flasks. But alas, no! It's just a decorative piece of jewelry >:]

And here, you can see more of the cut-out design of the H&M dress:

You can't see it, but the dress is EXTREMELY short! It hits a few inches ABOVE my knee. It seriously felt as though ppl could look up my dress every time I sat down (especially if I didn't cross my legs).

And these are the sexy red HOT stilettos that I wear with my outfit.

I got it from UrbanOG, which is this new website that I am in luuuuuuuuh-ve with! The shoes are called "Promise Claire Criss Cross Open Toe Sandal", and you can buy them here. To me, this company is muuuuch better than GoJane, amiclubwear, CutesyGirl, etc. They're very high heels but totally comfortable! I was TALLER than 90% of the ppl at the party (including guys). I believe that I stood at 5'10 or 5'11. It felt kinda awkward, especially since my brother kept complaining about how much taller I was than him in pictures. He wanted me to take 'em off at one point, but umm...HECK NO! There are always going to be girls taller than you, lol.

Sorry I couldn't get a full-on picture of my outfit. I will definitely update this post with more pics from the party as soon as I get 'em! It's so hard to take pictures by myself since no one else is around to take 'em for me. I took all of these on my iPhone, which is not always the best quality as you know. But oh well, gotta do what you can with what you've got. *shrug*

Anyway, a couple weeks sis and I went to go shop around Chinatown in DC (which is nothing compared to the Chinatown in NYC. So jealous of you guys up there!) We ended up getting cupcakes...which are my absolute WEAKNESS.

I don't know if I've told any of you this, but probably not since I don't like to talk about it. But I've been on an INTENSIVE diet for the past month. I'm talkin' the whole deal...limiting my calorie intake, cutting out rice/breads/sweets/soda/fastfoods/etc, etc. I've even been keeping a food diary to keep track so I don't veer off the course of my goal. I've lost 6-8lbs. But I look kinda sick-looking. I even have to admit. I don't look very healthy. It's so tough, since I've had to deal with my fluctuating weight. Growing up primarily with my mother's family, Asians put so much EMPHASIS on weight and self-image. I've been called "fat" so many times that it's permanently ingrained in my head. I know on the OUTSIDE, I look extremely thin...but on the inside, I feel as though I'm never at my "goal" weight.

Honestly, I hate talking about this. I don't even know why I'm disclosing on this public venue. I guess, I just need to clear my head. I remember when I was in middle school, I put on a lot of my "baby" weight (fat, chubby cheeks and the works), and my mom's brother (my uncle) yelled at me in front of everyone at the grocery store. I must've weighed around 120 lbs and I was only 5'4. Last time I checked, I'm around 105. A couple of months ago, I was under 100 lbs. I'm sorta tall for my background, so looks like I'm skeletal at times. I don't know...I don't want to give a fuck about what I weigh or what I eat, because it's seriously consuming so much of my time and thoughts! I don't eat after 6pm, and I go to bed with my stomach growling many times. But I just can't stand the idea of going to my maternal grandmother and having her bitch at how fat I am. It's intense! I don't know why most Asian families put so much pressure on their children. Not only in academics, but on a physical scale as well. I wonder if it's like that with other cultures? I know Americans aren't so crazed or extreme like that...hell, I know most of my American friends are bigger girls and they OWN IT!!! Especially, my black gf's...they love their curves. I see 'em shake their heads at me sometimes when they watch me pick my food at lunch.

Sometimes I feel so alone in this situation. For the past month, this has PLAGUED my mind endlessly and consumed me. I spend all my time counting calories to the very last digit and it's driving me insane. I don't want to be like this, but I feel really out of control. And in a sense, by me limiting what I eat...I feel as though I have that tiny bit of control back that I craved. Have any of you girls ever felt this way??

I'm just trying to zone out. Been playing this on REPEAT NON-STOP.


[updated] Disregard the pictures up there. The quality sucks cuz it came from my phone. Here are some more pics from the party last night:

My favorite rings. I can only wear them on my pointer finger, because all of my other fingers are way too thin. I'm a size 3 or 4 in rings, and it's really tough to find those sizes at any retailer store (F21 only goes as low as a size 6).

And here is my BEAUTIFUL sis, ready to blow out her candles. She had two birthday cakes, so I was yelling for her to make sure to make TWO as to not waste any wishes, lol.


The "liquior flask" necklace, in more details here:

My amazing H&M leopard clutch that I got for less than $15!!

Ok, and now on a serious note. Thank you for the comments so far! I realize I do have a problem, and I'm working hard to address it. I had a talk with one of my close girl friends today and we just basically went over why am I feeling the way that I do? And what I can do, THAT IS HEALTHY, to remedy whatever doubts and confusion that I harbor within myself. I took the first step and actually pushed myself to eat full meals today. I even allowed myself to eat my favorite guilty-pleasure, HERSHEY'S chocolate with almonds.

Slowly, but surely................