Saturday, December 25, 2010

Pursuit of Happiness

I've been avoiding this post for the past couple of days...maybe because I'm kind of in denial myself about the entire situation. I know everybody has nice, chirpy, merry holiday posts up right now and for me to even put this out there makes me feel like the one Debbie Downer on this special Christmas day. :/

My boyfriend and I broke up last night. I was the one who had initiated the break-up, so I'm sure it's not hitting me quite as hard as it had hit him. (But in all seriousness...no one comes out of the break-up hurting any "less" than the other. It's a lose-lose situation..) It hurt my heart SO BAD the entire time I was sitting there, trying to not fumble my words as my voice was quavering and my lips trembling. I never thought I would see the day we would grow apart. We had been together for 3 and a half years. I have never given so much of myself to anyone. I know I'm not the easiest girl to put up with, as a matter of fact, I'm POSITIVE that I'm the one girl that no mother wants her son to ever meet. It's just a mere statement that is true...

Although our relationship had spanned several years, I have always seen tall tale signs that we were on the brink of crumbling with each and every fight that severed our patience and trust issues. In the beginning, HE was the one that came fighting and pulling through. Even when I gave him all HELL (it's a defense mechanism of mine that I have whenever I'm in a relationship. I'll "purposely" do things here and there to piss the guy off just so he can leave already. Very stupid and childish of me, but it's my downside that I have to deal with) and yet he would still stay with me. Bitter, hurt, and angry. But through the very end, he'd still be left standing behind me waiting for me.......and now it's at the point recently, where I notice that I've been the one picking up the slack.

In the beginning, I didn't mind having to always bite my tongue and saying "Sorry" to end the fight (even if I knew he was in the wrong). But as the weeks have gone on by, I notice that I have had to change almost the very core of my essence just to appease him when he gets in his fits of anger. And BAM!! Just one night, it hit me out of nowhere. WHY AM I TRYING SO HARD TO SALVAGE something that obviously isn't meant to be? At this point in our lives, this relationship SHOULDN'T HAVE TO be this hard to put back together. I'm grabbing and holding onto him sooo strongly, that when I open the palm of my hand...I feel as though I've just squeezed out everything and in all actuality, nothing remains.

So I broke it off last night, much to the dismay of my gf's (who I turned to for help and advice...trust me, I've been deliberating over this over and over and over and over....) But it had to be done. I went to his family dinner because they had previously invited me. And this was the FIRST year they entered my name into their annual tradition of the Secret Santa exchange. It chokes me up to think that the first year they included me in as their "family", that it has all boiled down to this.

My heart feels hollow and empty....I haven't really cried out all of my emotions yet. My throat feels dry, hoarse, as though there's a hard lump stuck inside it. My eyes are fighting to retain the tears that want to spill. I know I will come out of this stronger and more mature than ever...but for the next couple weeks, I'll just have to walk around with a smile on my face. I don't really know of any other way to exist.....


14 comments:

  1. Aww, sweetheart. I wish I could hug you close right now! You were so veave to do this. it could not have been easy at all. of wish you the best in pulling through the holidays and moving forward.

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  2. It sucks when people break up. Chin up, and you'll be fine.

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  3. I'm sorry that it's been rough. I hate the feeling of just trying so hard til the end only to realize that at some point you've begun to only try for the wrong reasons- I'm not sure if I made much sense there. I think you should be applauded for doing what you thought needed to be done despite how hard it was. I wish you the best. Merry Christmas, pretty girl.

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  4. I was commenting via Android and the stupid thing corrected the word "brave" to "veave" WTF DOES VEAVE EVEN MEAN

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  5. I think have mature since the those three years. And you are right, why try to saved something that cannot be saved. God just has something more instored for, hence why he gave you the signs. Maybe this is the time where you foucs in on you babes, and let God help you to find your happy place in him.

    Remember weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the the morning.

    Be Strong Babes.

    Boutzie'

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  6. oh noo. But if you know in your heart that it wasn't meant to be, then what u did was for the best. Ive been feeling like that lately and Ive been with my man for over 4 years. Sometimes the spark is gone and you dont know why you continue to be together. I think i m just complacent, but I really need to listen to my heart. I dont know maybe it's the weather. Time heals all wounds..thing's will slowly get better.

    xoxo P

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  7. ****hugs

    Break ups are always hard. I would try and give some advice but your situation sounds almost identical to mine and my boyfriend's 3 year relationship. All I can say is, you'll get through it. One day, you'll find peace with your decision... it just takes time.

    Have a Happy New Year!

    -Rose

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  8. wow sorry to hear about your break up but glad my post helps =)

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  9. Sorry about the situation. You'll get through this :)

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  10. I just found your blog and I'm sorry about the break up :(
    I think you should give yourself abit of time. Time heals they say right?
    x~

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  11. hi!
    im sorry about the break up, but you'll get through this :)

    i just wanted to say a big thank you for following my blog :) it means a lot thanks ♥ x0x

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  12. Aww thanks for leaving that sweet comment. I don't have a youtube channel.. just the fashion blog for now! :)

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  13. I stumbled across this blog, and as sad as this post is it is a lovely little blog.
    I hope you're starting to feel a bit better as well.

    Hope we can give eachother a follow. :)

    -S.*

    (www.cardinalmess.blogspot.com)

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  14. Hi babe. I'm sorry for commenting on this post too late, but I discovered you via Giang. :)
    I know how you feel because I've been there. I'm still dealing with the pain. Know that you're not alone...You will be better and happier. Take care. xo

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