Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I traced the cord back to the wall, No wonder it was never plugged in at all...

I'm watching MTV's "I Hate My Face" right now...wow...this is some deeeep stuff. One of the ppl that they follow is named Pamela, and she's Asian (I think maybe she's Thai? Her mom's name is "Presh", which sounds Thai-ish?) Pamela hates her nose, and eventually she ends up getting a nose job/boob job. Seeing her cry really makes my heart ache. Growing up, I was never considered the pretty one. In my school, it was primarily all Caucasian. All the popular girls were the blonde haired, blue-eyed ones with pretty names like "Ashley" or "Margaret". Lol, here I am...just little ol' Sophie. Freckled-faced and clumsy as hell, stumbling all over the playground.It was easy to see why I wasn't considered part of the "popular" gang, as much as I wished with all my heart that my crush, Dennis, (yes! I still remembered who my 1st crush was) would notice me. But he had a liking for the 2nd most popular girl in the class named Danielle. Not only was I not part of the "Barbie doll" mold at school, I was considered the "ugly duckling" even within my own family. :(

Then middle school came, and it was worst than ever. I was in-between the stages of wanting to be a baby and yet, still wanting to be more "adult-like". It was such a catch-22. Either way, I never felt truly comfortable playing the part. I still wanted to play with my Barbie's (lol, soo childish I know) and yet I wanted to venture into putting on make-up. I was my most depressed at this stage. I went home after school every day, cried myself to sleep (and it was only 4pm!) I slept 10-14 hours. Didn't eat, lost my period, and came in at a measly 80-lbs. I was beyond despair. My playlist consisted of:



"Adam's Song"-Blink 182
"Self-esteem"-the Offspring
"Lithium"-Nirvana
"Say it Ain't So"-Weezer
etc, etc, etc.......

I was as emo as they came...and then some. There were so many times I wanted to commit suicide...

High school came...and slowly, I began to ease out of my hard-shell. I learned to let my barrier down, just a tiny bit. But still, I always pretty much knew that the jocks/cheerleaders and I were not of the same kind. I wasn't popular, but I wasn't on the bottom of the social hierarchy. I was right smacked dab, in-between. I was the POPULAR one, however, when it came to copying off hw of. I was the "quiet, smart girl". That was my title. Miraculously, though. Somehow during my last year of high school as a Senior, my braces came off and my skin got better. I learned how to dress myself & use make-up. The saddest (yet lightly comical) story that sums up the essence of my high-school life:

There was this one guy that was a well-known jock. One day, one of my girl friends slipped me a tiny note during 7th period. It said in her curly, girlish handwriting: "Do you know J****? He thinks you're very pretty! :)" I remember HOW MUCH that made my day. Of course I knew this guy! He was not only cute, but had been friendly towards me. Even though most of the jocks never even gave me the time of the day, I remembered how he used to smile at me during Biology class. But the sad part was that I later found out, that he had asked around WHO I was & what my name was. How could he NOT know? He had copied off my worksheet plenty of times. Then my heart sank, he didn't even RECOGNIZE that the girl had been me. My initial excitement slowly vacillated into a more somber mood...how could the world just be so solely focused on LOOKS?? :(

College was the venue where I TRULy felt most comfortable in my skin. Here was a learning environment where ppl valued my thoughts & opinion moreso than the size of my titties or whether or not I was in a miniskirt. I felt so free, at last! And it was here, where I couldn't fend off the boys. I actually had so many guys call me that I had to change the cell #. I couldn't understand, though...I was still the same old me? What could have possibly changed so much that ppl could notice me NOW, but not THEN? Even though I was more free, in a sense I was more lost than ever. They say college is where you get to discover who you really are & your roots. I found out a lot of things about myself that were not only frightening, but quite liberating. (Some things are very personal, so I will choose not to disclose on a public blog).

And here we are...now in the present-day. Most of the guys from high school who had NEVER even given me a second glance, are now hitting me up on Facebook. They all want to "meet up" & "re-connect over some drinks or perhaps dinner?". And all to which, I merely hit the "DELETE" button. I have no time for these ppl, just as how in the past they had no time for me. But it really, really reiterates how shallow most guys are. I'm not saying, ALLLLL guys are like this. But especially when you have guys under the age of 21...they don't focus on what lies beneath the girl's exterior. I'm so lucky right now that I have a bf who thinks I'm beautiful, even when I know I look like death. He loves me, stinky, oily, and/or bloated.

Most of us have felt defeated before we really even began. We have all broken down & cried ourselves into oblivion. If I have any young readers, I just want you to know that LIFE is not just all about looks. Focus on building and strengthening up what's on the inside. Trust me---that will get you muchh farther in life than anything as fleeting as physical beauty! All of those popular cheerleaders and jocks will end up balding, fat, and leather-faced (hahaha, sucks for them that they never wore sunscreen!) Ok, end of my PSA for the day. Please feel free to write in my comments box what YOUR experiences in high school were like. I couldn't have been the only dorky, ugly ducking, right??


Is it so wrong that this is how I drive sometimes?

40 comments:

  1. I loved Adams Song by the way. Sophie, from one freckle faced clumsy girl to another (yes, I am freckle faced and SUPER clumsy) I'd like to say that i'm glad i found your blog. Growing up, my experience was nearly the same except that my high school was predominantly Asian. I wasn't part of the popular crowd. The popular kids were all in student body government and the popular boys were all the japanese ones (i'm Chinese). Anyway, I marched to the beat of my own drum. I wasn't nearly as book smart as you are (nobody copied off me, believe me LOL) but when it came time to party.. everybody came calling me.

    Anyways, I love how you delve into your emotions and tell us about your past. It's very up front, personal, and it can be hard to let it all out. (i'm having a serious moment here!) I appreciate it when bloggers give us readers a little more insight on their personal lives. It humanizes you. Nothing but love girl, nothing but love.

    P.S. I also drive that way sometimes~ I learned it from one of my closest friends. It feels relaxing in a weird way!

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  2. You are truly beautiful and inspiring..i like literally read your whole post and i also watched the true life "i hate my face" & i just thought it was so crazy because both these women are beautiful ! and when that girl said heidi montag was ugly before and now she had all that surgery which made her "beautiful"(in her words)was crazy because i sure thought she was beautiful before all that surgery .. now she just looks like a blow up doll! but anyways i could relate alot to your post when you said you felt like such an ugly duckling because when i was in elementary school i was more of the late bloomer! and these girls had a body of a 20 year old and we were only 14! well just like your present today of course we all have bloomed to a true beauty and i look back and don't regret looking like an ugly duckling i actually love the fact that i can look back and laugh at everyone who used to look "good" and make fun of me at times, who now look beat down and let me just tell you we have truly switched roles.

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  3. Awww i love this post! In the sense that, it's something i can relate too!! :D

    Also i love driving photo! Could you be anymore chilled out? haha!

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  4. This post rocks. And very well written! ;)

    I can relate to most of the things you said. Sometimes when people comment on my blog, saying how they envy my lips or my tan skin, I cringe to the memory of how these two were the things I was most insecure about regarding my appearance.

    Having flawless and fair skin is pretty big here in Asia. There are a bunch of whitening/self-bleaching stuff out there it's not even funny. Even my family teased me about being "the darkest" one. So yeah, I was an ugly duckling too, be it at home or at school. But fortunately, like you, I did pretty well in academics. People knew me as "the girl who speaks English" because in school everyone learns English but no one actually cares. Lol.

    And I feel you on the facebook thing. Everyone wants to "reconnect" and "catch up". As much as it flatters me, it's also pretty annoying. Good thing I'm in college now and I met my college sweetheart who appreciates me the way I am. Way cooler than high school, if you ask me.

    *PS: Say It ain't So by Weezer used to be one of my anthems too! :D

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  5. hi there~~! o(^-^)o
    i found out your blog from friends~!

    your blog is so cute !
    so i've followed you~~! (o^^)o

    i hope you could follow me
    if you want to *winks*
    i want to be your friend!! XDXDXD

    ♥ ♥

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  6. I love this post. It has so much truth and meaning. I wish I was reading this when I was 14, this post is so inspiring, it should be in like a public teenage blog/magazine lol. in school not only was I one of the few asian girls but it seemed as if it was a bad thing because a lot of kids made fun of me for being asian so growing up I felt very uncomfortable in my skin, till this day I still feel outcasted in certain places because I'm asian. It sucks dat looks matter so much now a days, it makes young ppl feel like their shit if they're not physically attractive. The media hypes it up so much - that if ur not tall, blonde and have the perfect body den ur not hott. I wish it was different, I wish ppl could like and love ppl for who they are not what they look like... So yeah about guys hitting u up on facebook, girllll I say da same shit! Why r they kjust now tryna bag?! They didn't want me then nd now I cud give 2 shits! I love my bf- he too loves me no matter what, even without makeup he kisses me nd tells me I'm beautiful.

    Oh and duuuude I fucking like "3 libras", I used to get so sad listening to them or I guess in the zone, cuz dat song juss makes a person think in deeeeep thought

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  7. Thanks for sharing this...I enjoyed reading it...I love reading about other peoples lives and being able to relate to something!
    I went to an all-girls school so I didnt have the problem of immature guys and all that, and I was never in the popular group nor did I want to be! All those girls were the ones who smoked, got drunk every weekend, were extremely slutty etc. I just had one group of friends throughout the 6 years I was there - me, H & B. In year 12 it sorta expanded and I was friends with alot more girls and everyone was generally nicer to eachother (kinda reminds me of the end of Mean Girls lol)
    And yeah I'm in my 4th year of uni now and I love it so much, because I've made so many amazing friends and there are no 'popular' or 'nerdy' groups and I feel completely able to be myself (the nerd that I am) and my friends accept me!
    And with the thing about people from your past adding you on fb, I have the same thing...all those girls who were nasty and never spoke to me are giving me friend requets and I have no hesitation in hitting DELETE! I hate how they think they can be your friend now that youre older, prettier and more mature than them!
    Lol ok I better stop ranting now :P

    xx

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  8. I think lots of girls go through that ugly duckling phase. I know that I did pretty much until after high school. I always felt so ugly when I was younger. I was never popular either... I was actually made fun of a lot in elementary school. I had only a few "friends" and even then we were left out of lots of things.

    Can you imagine finding out that the whole class made a trip to go play laser tag & you and two other people were the only ones NOT invited?? Yeah that was me.. One of those 3 people not invited.

    I was made fun of throughout high school to. It really screwed up my confidence and self-esteem. *sigh*

    I can finally say that now I'm comfortable in my skin...:]

    I love your deep this post is :]

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  9. i like this post, its very heartwarming, i had a different HS experience, mine was fun and warm, i had a lot of friends and laughed a lot. you might not believe it but in HS, i never wore makeup unlike my friends and i always get so impatient with them taking so long in the rest room washing their face and putting on makeup yet now, im a beauty blogger! hahaha.

    thank you for sharing a real part of you with us. BEAUTY should always radiate from within, a kind heart always trumps an obnoxious beauty. :)

    ps. i love that pic! is it safe to drive that way? ;)

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  10. ps. I tagged you for an award lovely :)

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  11. Wow this post deserves a thumbs up! =D I can really relate to it as I'm a freshman and all this boy drama you talked about is true. But not ALL guys chase for the popular girls, however UNFORTUNATELY theres a small precentage of guys who care about a womans personality.
    LOL, nice photo but take care.

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  12. I love what you said, than you for putting your message out there. A lot of little kids are growing up nowadays with crazy ass role models, a.k.a. Speidi! And I worry about how this is gonna affect our young'ins. I <3 you for having the guts to open up to us and share your past experience. :)

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  13. Hiya, I deleted it as I thought you wouldnt see it and I was gonna try and figure out how to send you a private message or something :) Thanks for your reply :)

    Everyone also says inner confidence comes with age.....well unfortunately that does not apply to me now in my mid 20's and feeling even more repulsed by what I see in the mirror than ever *sighs*

    xo

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  14. Wow, this post was so, so inspiring! I definitely get what your point is. I'm now 17 going on 18 and my experience of high school is exactly as yours. Most of the "popular" kids don't even care about anything else than the outisde, their popularity.. And ofc when seeing all of them looking all pretty and handsome, sometimes I come home and wonder what it actually is all about. I just really can't wait for college to see if what they say about it is true. I'm definitely looking for a place where people won't judge you because of how you look but rather because of who you are! Thanks for the amazing post, loved it! :)

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  15. isn't it weird how long it takes for people realize brains >>>>> looks? lol

    just wanted to say hi! randomly found your blog, glad i did cas this post was interesting .. but best of all .. i drive like that too (:

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  16. this post made me cry -_-. I felt the same during middle school through high school. btw.... the i sometimes drive like that with my one leg esp when i am really tired from work. I dont do it often because i am scared wat if i get into an accident and i'm stuck like that .... lol.

    Anyways, here's my story. I came here when I was 11 from Philippines and started 7th grade. I was soo scared and had a "culture shock ". I didn't have anybody/friends. I didn't know how to speak english verywell back then so I was a loner. I started to notice girls around me were not acting like girls anymore. They are trying to be grown up u know ,crushes.... boys and looking good. I was still innocent and yes (same) still wanted to be a lil girl. Girls in middle school started to shave their legs, put makeup and dress different.... even my first crush didn't even noticed me too. I was kinda chubby with short hair and dressed kinda funny.

    In the beggining of high school, I started to become insecure and low self-esteem. I was obessed with dieting to the point that I had eating disorder. I would binge eating then throw it all up right away and sometimes i wouldn't eat at all just water and excerising. I got to the point that I was 80-78 pounds. I thought I looked good since everybody was giving complement but i was fragile and my period was not normal (one day). I wasn't with the popular group either just okay group i guess. it was mostly about cliques and kind of u stay with ur own kind ( u get me?). I was with the FOB filipino groups(fob means fresh on the boat). I didn't care they were nicer than the popular group (white-washed filipinoes).
    It was about 11th grade that i slowly gained confident and didnt care about wat they think about me. But the turning point for me was in college and when i met my fiance.

    All of a sudden I blossomed!!!! and became prettier iguess. still had my eating disorder btw

    but when

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  17. cont.....

    but when I met my fiance, he helped me to be confident. oh ya, I felt carefree in college tooo and kinda crazy lol..... so ya.... he didn't know about my eating disorder just last year, I told him..... he helped me to be healthy and take care of my body and mind. He helped to have a relationship with god and feel closer to him ( hes christian)..... omg i am going on on......on.

    so when i read ur post. I got all teary because i could really relate with u. You are a beautiful person inside and out and people could see that.

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  18. aw I love your posts! I was stopping by to reply to your comment and was smacked in the face with this emotional post. I LOVE! I completely know where you're coming from... damn highschool was such a bitch. I remember starting off in elementary school I used to live in potomac (everyone was white, were wearing bras (in 5th grade?!), etc) and I would feel so freaking left out. middle school my hair was in an ugly tight bun with big harry potter glasses and then highschool freshman year I was just awkward. I started to become more makeup/fashion oriented through highschool but damn thinking back was highschool was a bad experience for me. I think all the movies and tv shows are all whack. Highschool isn't all that nice perfect shit we see on tv :(

    but anyways, keep deleting those stupid messages! those shallow assholes can go f themselves for not seeing the beautiful girl that you were back in highschool. You're soooo gorgeous now, and I'm sure if your less than confident-ness back in highschool was really good for your academics that help you now :)

    please keep up these posts! I really like them :)

    <3jimin

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  19. BYYY the way, about replying to your comment! I live in stupid Maryland but my mom has several businesses in VA so I go pretty often. Where you do live in VA? I go to Alexandria every saturday but I'm not near the Eden center area too much :/ My mom drives 1 and a half hours to 2 every morning.. insane -_-

    anyways yeah I have to lay off the pink jelly and coconut juice for a while.. my damn teeth! As long as the nice dentist gives me the right drugs I won't be scared ;) lollll

    <3jimin

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  21. Hey Sophie!

    Man, your post really struck a cord in me - my little sis has been going through a LOT of this crap inside of her right now and it kills me b/c there is no way I can convince her of how beautiful she is or how she doesn't need to change. It really tears me up inside how important looks are to people at a certain age - but they just need to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    I was super nerdy/ugly/unwanted definitely 'quiet girl in the corner who gets her homework copied' in middle-high school. In college, I still was insecure. Not until now do I feel more comfortable in my own skin and happy with the way I look/feel/have become.

    Thanks for sharing your story...it mostly is true that the nerd girls end up turning hot and 'together' in the end hahaha...Win!

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  22. blink 182... smh, definitely brings back memories!

    anyway, just saying thank you for reading my blog = ] and to answer your question my daughter is half vietnamese (her dads side) and 1/4 filipino & 1/4 "white" (my side). altogether she is 16 different nationalities!

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  23. Wow, this is deep. Very deep. I think my respect for you just upped a little bit more! Thanks for sharing such a personal story with us, Sophie! But really, I really cannot bring myself to imagine that you were ever an ugly duckling...I mean, look at you now. You're freakinghellafawkinghotlygorgeous! Seriously! But then again, I'm not you and it's not like I saw what you were like when you were growing up.

    I think every girl went through a stage where they didn't feel comfortable in their own skin and felt ugly. I thought I was cute when I was a baby, then I was like WTF is up with this nasty ass short haircut my mom is ALWAYS making me have from kindergarten up through 5th grade? SOO ugly, think straight across bangs and short hair, below the ear lobe. GAWD. I really hated how my mom would subjugate me to such an ugly hair style...I could have been LOADS cuter in elementary.

    Then came jr. high and I was finally able to have control over my hair and grow it out and get side bangs. It made me feel a little better, but DAMN all those "AzN baby guhs" with their pencil-thin eyebrows, dyed hair, a face of makeup, and slim bodies always in mini skirts and those little tanks with overalls with the straps hanging down (lol idk if you know what i'm talking about but haha that was the "trend") I thought "wow, compared to me, they look 100 times better!" I wasn't allowed to touch makeup, let alone dye my hair at that age. I totally was not popular, but a part of the smart group. Yes, copy hw off her (and the friends she hangs out with), since they're smart! Other than that, nothing needed to be said about my looks.

    I didn't get to experiment with makeup until Jr. year....when I bought my FIRST cosmetic product, and that was a basic EYELINER pencil. Then I got concealer, and those were my 2 staples. It's amazing how liner can really change up a girl's looks. But yeah, you get the gist of it. My confidence level totally shot up in Junior year, and I became super outgoing (like the way I am today). Before, I was a pretty chatty & friendly girl but more reserved.Then I tried eye shadow, powder foundation (just to cover up some redness and stupid blemishes) & cont'd with liner during my Senior yr. Such a drastic diff. if you compared how I looked Senior year to Freshman year.

    Anyway, yeah college was way more fun. Just continued to be the fun-loving, friendly, outgoing, and super personable person that I still am (except now, I'm more jaded bc of all the stupid hw & exams). Yup. Holy $h!t! I totally wrote a freaking novella! Sorry!!

    Hope you have a good weekend, babe!

    ♥ caroline

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  24. omg i just have to say, i absolutely immediately adore you!! i love the name sophie & have wanted to name my baby girl (when i ever have her lol) sophie!!!! ahhhhhh!!! <3
    anyways, i was watching that true life episode too and it was just so crazy. it was hard to see beautiful girls disliking themselves. i know when i was growing up, i was growing into my chipmunk cheeks which made me super self conscious. its nice to look back and see how much we've all grown!
    you're very inspiring girlie :)

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  25. I saw that episode of True Life too. I wondered why she wore that dot on her head, maybe it's something religious. I thought she looked fine though, much better without the dot. I never noticed anything wrong about her nose either & then she got her boobs done too while she was at it. Crazy :/

    About the Airy Fairy, it tastes .. I don't even know how to describe it, aha. The smell & taste is a bit weird but I have no clue what I would call it...hmm...

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  26. Yesss ma'am! To mason I go!
    I'm going to be a pharmacy student, which I noticed you are too!
    What did you major in while at mason?
    I picked chemistry =/

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  27. Hey Sophie! Oh I have to thank you for reminding me to wear sunscreen as a beauty tip. I know you threw in that reminder in this post as well :)
    Yeah I never really felt connected to people my age in elementary school or high school. Even today all my friends are older than me - all of them. I just find the maturity level and personality of most guys my age really immature still. I'm glad you've pulled through everything and that you're a stronger person because of it :)

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  28. I watched that MTV show too, and was really shocked and touched by the way these people view themselves. Great post x

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  29. your blog is so cool :)
    //sahltwins.blogspot.com

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  30. This post touched me because i went through the same things.
    We've grown and become beautiful because of what we went through.
    Thanks for sharing this. :)

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  31. Hey Hun!!! How come you're hesitant to travel this year for the Tiger year? Actually I'm year of the tiger too... lol

    Btw, I drive like that sometimes too XD

    ..and I'm Chinese hehe :)

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  32. thanks for your comment sweetie :)!


    yellowscarff.blogspot.com

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  33. You know what, when I was on my break from blogging I was still checking in to see if I saw some interesting post. Well I did, but I wanted to get my head together before I could say this.


    I thought I was the only one out there who felt that same way. I honestly hated how I look, basically I hated myself. I'm still dealing with my inner demons to over come so much.

    I just wanted to say this, thank you so much because you gave inspiration to keep on fighting.

    Boutzie'

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  34. I can def realte to the things you've been through. The standard of beauty when I was growing up was blonde hair and blue eyes. I was never considered the pretty one in class. Then came the teen years and I was obese and pimpled and REALLY insecure about myself. (Still have self-esteem issues) Anyways, I'm rambling. But it makes me so happy to hear that you've found a partner who loves you just the way you are :) You deserve it

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  35. I really like this post. I think it's awesome you have the sense to see past the guys who only now take notice of you.
    In my middle school years and first 3 years of high school, I was super dorky. Genetics saved me from horrible acne, but I was still very awkward.
    I finally started to get comfortable with myself in my senior yr of high school too. But just cause I was finally feeling it, doesn't mean I got popular. I was just happy where I was. Then a guy who had noticed me while I was still in my dorky stages and chased after me in my senior year became my bf of nearly 5 yrs now. I owe my boost of self-confidence to him. He meant it when he said I was beautiful even without makeup and loved that I had curves. And then I was finally able to start fighting the inferiority complex I had towards my pretty, confident,and thin best friend. I realized finally, after so many years, that her self-flaunting was her way of keep up her own spirits despite her own major insecurity from having a small chest.
    lol I've never had the flocks of guys come at me, I'm still rather awkward. Improved. But still awkward. The bf tells me that I get a lot of looks but I think he's just paranoid or that men are just pervs and will look at anything with tits. Funnily enough, the main people who really come up to me and tell me I'm pretty are little girls. O_o
    lol I'll stop now. Again, great post.

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  36. i loved adam's song too! i actually still love it now. it's still so great!

    http://cherylclark.blogspot.com

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  37. Such a deep and profound post, one that I can certainly relate to on many levels.
    University was the first place I'd ever felt free to be myself, the first time I didn't feel a need to change myself in order to fit in with the rest of the "popular crowd".
    I finally realised how trivial and how silly high school was, had a good laugh about it and moved on with my life!

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  38. Great post story and I love the pics.

    http://badanla.blogspot.com/

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