Then middle school came, and it was worst than ever. I was in-between the stages of wanting to be a baby and yet, still wanting to be more "adult-like". It was such a catch-22. Either way, I never felt truly comfortable playing the part. I still wanted to play with my Barbie's (lol, soo childish I know) and yet I wanted to venture into putting on make-up. I was my most depressed at this stage. I went home after school every day, cried myself to sleep (and it was only 4pm!) I slept 10-14 hours. Didn't eat, lost my period, and came in at a measly 80-lbs. I was beyond despair. My playlist consisted of:
"Adam's Song"-Blink 182
"Say it Ain't So"-Weezer
etc, etc, etc.......
I was as emo as they came...and then some. There were so many times I wanted to commit suicide...
High school came...and slowly, I began to ease out of my hard-shell. I learned to let my barrier down, just a tiny bit. But still, I always pretty much knew that the jocks/cheerleaders and I were not of the same kind. I wasn't popular, but I wasn't on the bottom of the social hierarchy. I was right smacked dab, in-between. I was the POPULAR one, however, when it came to copying off hw of. I was the "quiet, smart girl". That was my title. Miraculously, though. Somehow during my last year of high school as a Senior, my braces came off and my skin got better. I learned how to dress myself & use make-up. The saddest (yet lightly comical) story that sums up the essence of my high-school life:
There was this one guy that was a well-known jock. One day, one of my girl friends slipped me a tiny note during 7th period. It said in her curly, girlish handwriting: "Do you know J****? He thinks you're very pretty! :)" I remember HOW MUCH that made my day. Of course I knew this guy! He was not only cute, but had been friendly towards me. Even though most of the jocks never even gave me the time of the day, I remembered how he used to smile at me during Biology class. But the sad part was that I later found out, that he had asked around WHO I was & what my name was. How could he NOT know? He had copied off my worksheet plenty of times. Then my heart sank, he didn't even RECOGNIZE that the girl had been me. My initial excitement slowly vacillated into a more somber mood...how could the world just be so solely focused on LOOKS?? :(
College was the venue where I TRULy felt most comfortable in my skin. Here was a learning environment where ppl valued my thoughts & opinion moreso than the size of my titties or whether or not I was in a miniskirt. I felt so free, at last! And it was here, where I couldn't fend off the boys. I actually had so many guys call me that I had to change the cell #. I couldn't understand, though...I was still the same old me? What could have possibly changed so much that ppl could notice me NOW, but not THEN? Even though I was more free, in a sense I was more lost than ever. They say college is where you get to discover who you really are & your roots. I found out a lot of things about myself that were not only frightening, but quite liberating. (Some things are very personal, so I will choose not to disclose on a public blog).
And here we are...now in the present-day. Most of the guys from high school who had NEVER even given me a second glance, are now hitting me up on Facebook. They all want to "meet up" & "re-connect over some drinks or perhaps dinner?". And all to which, I merely hit the "DELETE" button. I have no time for these ppl, just as how in the past they had no time for me. But it really, really reiterates how shallow most guys are. I'm not saying, ALLLLL guys are like this. But especially when you have guys under the age of 21...they don't focus on what lies beneath the girl's exterior. I'm so lucky right now that I have a bf who thinks I'm beautiful, even when I know I look like death. He loves me, stinky, oily, and/or bloated.
Most of us have felt defeated before we really even began. We have all broken down & cried ourselves into oblivion. If I have any young readers, I just want you to know that LIFE is not just all about looks. Focus on building and strengthening up what's on the inside. Trust me---that will get you muchh farther in life than anything as fleeting as physical beauty! All of those popular cheerleaders and jocks will end up balding, fat, and leather-faced (hahaha, sucks for them that they never wore sunscreen!) Ok, end of my PSA for the day. Please feel free to write in my comments box what YOUR experiences in high school were like. I couldn't have been the only dorky, ugly ducking, right??