1/27/10 [EDIT] I've had to omit quite a bit of details that I had intended in the original post. It has come to my attention that SOME ppl I know might have discovered my blog. Grrrr...so much for privacy!!
Current mood: EMO AS FUCK! (Forgive me really...)
As some of you have noticed, I haven't blogged that much lately (not that I have ever been a consistent blogger). It's been...real...well...depressing for me lately. Nothing necessarily has happened, per se. But I've been feeling very, very blue inside. No one around me has the slightest idea, though. I keep a pretty cool facade for the most part. It's only when I stop the busy-body daily activities I manage to keep myself immersed with, that I begin to feel the hard-hit blues. Ok, I lied. I do have an inkling as to why I'm such a Debbie Downer right about now.
I really wish I could say that I don't know why I feel the way that I do, BUT something recently has happened that might have triggered this. Like, you ever like someone but the impossibility of the situation makes you quick DENT THAT IDEA out like a fat bitch when she sits down on a soft-couch sofa?? Yeah, I never entertained the possibility of us establishing anything more than our goofy friendship. Lol, I mean, that's how I am, too. NO ONE who knows me ever takes me seriously (which brings me to my Reason #2 for my blue'sies, will go into that much later).
So we've hung out for a bit. I kept trying to simmer down my feelings every time we talked/went out. And for the most part, I thought I was successful. But I found that every time he sent me a text, I would BE SO FUCKING ECSTATIC. To the point where it was irritating me! My entire day would be based on the anticipation of receiving something from him. I would be moody to my co-workers/family if I didn't get anything that day (so pathetic, I know...forgive me). When he did, I would go around CHEESING so hard I was scared my teeth would be like dentures popping out of my mouth.
Ok, I forgot to omit one more teeny, tiny...um...fact. Some of you may recall that I have a bf? Well, we're not *exactly* together anymore....but we're still "together". Does that make sense? So yeah, I felt kinda guilty hanging out with somebody other than him with a dick. Not that if we were together, I wouldn't be allowed to (we used to get into fights, and I'm sure it still irks him, but honestly, I do whatever the hell I want. I'm a grown ass woman, for God's sakes!) So, my FACEBOOK HAS BEEN DELETED. Because apparently, I found out that 4 of my guy friends *liked* me and were snooping around on me. And I honestly can't DEAL WITH THAT!!! It's already hard enough to live my life, but at the expense of others prodding into my life. One of these guy friends even admitted that he had STALKED ME outside of my work. And all this time, I just thought he happened to be there whenever I got off of work *yeah yeah* CALL ME DUMB, NAIVE, whatever you want. So I just realized that maybe I'm not the brightest Crayon in the Crayola box. I didn't realize that they were checking in on my Facebook every day to see who I was talking to, who was leaving me messages, my updated pictures, etc etc.
As much as I appreciate their affection or feelings for me (maybe I'm not that disgusting after all. Take that, mother of mine!!!) I can't help but feel so bad. That's the problem with me. Here I am CURRENTLY in a situation where I have such strong feelings for someone who I know won't ever reciprocate the same feelings towards me, so how can I hurt someone else knowing that they like me just as much as I like him?? Granted, I'm not going to date someone just because they like me and I feel sorry for them (what am I? Angelina Jolie?!! I can't do charity work in that way, lol. Not gonna happen!) So I decided I just wanted to take a "breather" and basically cut myself off from the outside world. And FB is pretty much that "outside world" that I don't want to have to deal with right now. So yeah, he's gone. And I'm still stuck with these shitty feelings. I know I'll be over this by next week or the next. Lol, thank goodness for my good rebounding, resiliency skills.
But watching Taeyang in the video above really makes me think.................HOW MANY CHANCES DO I HAVE TO BLOW, if I never decide to get real and tell someone how I feel?? I'm not even talking about if I like someone...but this goes for everything in my life. I know ppl like to pride themselves on "keeping it real". But I will be the 1st to admit....I'm pretty fake. The smile you see on my face, the bouncy walk you see me spring by on, the cutesy voice I use at work...that's all so fucking fake. Deep down, I'm an angry bitch. SO FUCKING ANGRY. I'm sad and angry, and I don't know what to do with all of these emotions. I'm not a teen anymore, so that's why I harbor such detrimental emotions and feelings deep inside. I store it up, because c'mon...I'm an adult now. We don't just break down and cry and throw shit at the wall because of those feelings. At least that's what I've always been taught. So strangely enough, even though physically I'm getting older....emotionally, I'm reverting back. I have unfinished business.
Sorry if this post bores you...but I needed to get it out. It was getting to be too much to hold all of this back inside. Lol, this is just me bare-faced on a cloudy, chilly Sunday morning. Uggh, I'm gonna go grab a bowl of pho in a bit. I needa warm the insides of my body up ASAP!
Initially, I wanted to make this a beauty blog...but I'm finding solace in making this little blog of mine a bit more personal. That's seriously the only way I can even find myself making the effort to update a litte more regularly. Join me if you want on this ever vacillating journey of my up's and down's.
FORMSPRING me if you haven't already--> http://www.formspring.me/glitteryeyexx