Sunday, January 24, 2010

Even though I smile, I feel so fake inside...

1/27/10 [EDIT] I've had to omit quite a bit of details that I had intended in the original post. It has come to my attention that SOME ppl I know might have discovered my blog. much for privacy!!

Current mood: EMO AS FUCK! (Forgive me really...)

As some of you have noticed, I haven't blogged that much lately (not that I have ever been a consistent blogger). It's been...real...well...depressing for me lately. Nothing necessarily has happened, per se. But I've been feeling very, very blue inside. No one around me has the slightest idea, though. I keep a pretty cool facade for the most part. It's only when I stop the busy-body daily activities I manage to keep myself immersed with, that I begin to feel the hard-hit blues. Ok, I lied. I do have an inkling as to why I'm such a Debbie Downer right about now.

I really wish I could say that I don't know why I feel the way that I do, BUT something recently has happened that might have triggered this. Like, you ever like someone but the impossibility of the situation makes you quick DENT THAT IDEA out like a fat bitch when she sits down on a soft-couch sofa?? Yeah, I never entertained the possibility of us establishing anything more than our goofy friendship. Lol, I mean, that's how I am, too. NO ONE who knows me ever takes me seriously (which brings me to my Reason #2 for my blue'sies, will go into that much later).

So we've hung out for a bit. I kept trying to simmer down my feelings every time we talked/went out. And for the most part, I thought I was successful. But I found that every time he sent me a text, I would BE SO FUCKING ECSTATIC. To the point where it was irritating me! My entire day would be based on the anticipation of receiving something from him. I would be moody to my co-workers/family if I didn't get anything that day (so pathetic, I know...forgive me). When he did, I would go around CHEESING so hard I was scared my teeth would be like dentures popping out of my mouth.

Ok, I forgot to omit one more teeny, Some of you may recall that I have a bf? Well, we're not *exactly* together anymore....but we're still "together". Does that make sense? So yeah, I felt kinda guilty hanging out with somebody other than him with a dick. Not that if we were together, I wouldn't be allowed to (we used to get into fights, and I'm sure it still irks him, but honestly, I do whatever the hell I want. I'm a grown ass woman, for God's sakes!) So, my FACEBOOK HAS BEEN DELETED. Because apparently, I found out that 4 of my guy friends *liked* me and were snooping around on me. And I honestly can't DEAL WITH THAT!!! It's already hard enough to live my life, but at the expense of others prodding into my life. One of these guy friends even admitted that he had STALKED ME outside of my work. And all this time, I just thought he happened to be there whenever I got off of work *yeah yeah* CALL ME DUMB, NAIVE, whatever you want. So I just realized that maybe I'm not the brightest Crayon in the Crayola box. I didn't realize that they were checking in on my Facebook every day to see who I was talking to, who was leaving me messages, my updated pictures, etc etc.

As much as I appreciate their affection or feelings for me (maybe I'm not that disgusting after all. Take that, mother of mine!!!) I can't help but feel so bad. That's the problem with me. Here I am CURRENTLY in a situation where I have such strong feelings for someone who I know won't ever reciprocate the same feelings towards me, so how can I hurt someone else knowing that they like me just as much as I like him?? Granted, I'm not going to date someone just because they like me and I feel sorry for them (what am I? Angelina Jolie?!! I can't do charity work in that way, lol. Not gonna happen!) So I decided I just wanted to take a "breather" and basically cut myself off from the outside world. And FB is pretty much that "outside world" that I don't want to have to deal with right now. So yeah, he's gone. And I'm still stuck with these shitty feelings. I know I'll be over this by next week or the next. Lol, thank goodness for my good rebounding, resiliency skills.

But watching Taeyang in the video above really makes me think.................HOW MANY CHANCES DO I HAVE TO BLOW, if I never decide to get real and tell someone how I feel?? I'm not even talking about if I like someone...but this goes for everything in my life. I know ppl like to pride themselves on "keeping it real". But I will be the 1st to admit....I'm pretty fake. The smile you see on my face, the bouncy walk you see me spring by on, the cutesy voice I use at work...that's all so fucking fake. Deep down, I'm an angry bitch. SO FUCKING ANGRY. I'm sad and angry, and I don't know what to do with all of these emotions. I'm not a teen anymore, so that's why I harbor such detrimental emotions and feelings deep inside. I store it up, because c'mon...I'm an adult now. We don't just break down and cry and throw shit at the wall because of those feelings. At least that's what I've always been taught. So strangely enough, even though physically I'm getting older....emotionally, I'm reverting back. I have unfinished business.

Sorry if this post bores you...but I needed to get it out. It was getting to be too much to hold all of this back inside. Lol, this is just me bare-faced on a cloudy, chilly Sunday morning. Uggh, I'm gonna go grab a bowl of pho in a bit. I needa warm the insides of my body up ASAP!

Initially, I wanted to make this a beauty blog...but I'm finding solace in making this little blog of mine a bit more personal. That's seriously the only way I can even find myself making the effort to update a litte more regularly. Join me if you want on this ever vacillating journey of my up's and down's.

FORMSPRING me if you haven't already-->


  1. oh my.. :\ i'm sorry to hear about your stalkers! i had a few too.. i actually went and HID in a bathroom from the creeper but he waited outside for a HOUR to say hi to me. god it was so fucking creepy! awee, girl i hope you start to feel better :\ i get those down in the dump feelings all the time. maybe i'm like bipolar xD

  2. Awh I feel so bad! =( it's hard to be cheery when you feel like is not going your way at all and also cause there are psycho crazy people out there stalking u! lol. Sometimes you need to vent and let it all out! I hope you feel better soon and know that blogger friends are hear to read and listen ^^ Sometimes with love it takes a while to figure out what you really want in life. Sometimes it can change in an instant. Life has so many opportunities! Feel better hun <3

  3. Hi =)
    First off thanks for all of the advice that you have given me. I originally wanted to blog about makeup and fashion too until I found that writing my thoughts down on my blog helped me to sort out my feelings. I hope that it helps you too.
    How does this guy friend (who just came back from med school) act towards you? Does he like text you often? Do you guys hang out just by yourselves or with other friends too?
    I once had a friend and I knew him for about two years. I enjoyed talking to him and we were able to relate emotionally~ because we both had just recently broke up with our ex's and were both emo lol. After knowing him for about two years, he asked me to be his girl, but I said no. IDK why, maybe i was just scared. Months later, we talk again and everything is fine. Except now he has someone and I feel like an idiot, because now I am the one who likes him. Only after he found someone new did I finally realize that yes I did have feelings for him and that I missed talking to him. I guess what I am trying to say is that you should tell him how you feel because you don't want to regret it. You have nothing to lose. You can tell him and he might not feel the same way but then that just gives you the opportunity to move on and find someone better. Or, he may feel the same way towards you and who knows what will happen next! =D
    Deleted your facebook? That sounds like a good idea and I might just do the same. Stalkers are creepy. *shudder.

  4. aww i'm sorry girl! cheer up, okay? life is full of surprises so you never know!

    i enjoy reading the more personal blogs... it definitely exposes the "realness" of the blogger and shows that they're human, too...behind all the makeup madness!

    this is so random, but whenever i read your blogs i feel like i'm hearing a local girl (from hawaii) behind it weird, huh!

  5. oh dear..i have definately gone through this sort of situation. i liked my ex bf for 4 years and always hoped to be with him, yet he has a gf now and we can't EVER be together again. it's hard to act as if nothing happened and to keep on smiling, but everything will be okay. you have wonderful friends and family that are there for you. the biggest mistake i made was to shelter myself from them.

    hang in there and stay strong! :)

  6. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for 5 years and I broke up with him because I wanted to "explore" and find myself. MMM yeah time has passed and I kinda have the same feelings for him again but I know we will never be again. It's so hard knowing you like someone but cannot be with them. Hope all the best girl, and we are all here for you!!

  7. hey hun! thanks for the link! really appreciate it (: i love that you said deep down im a angry bitch, i totally can relate to you hehe ! i hope all gets better for you =] cheer up buttercup!

  8. aw girly, it just be frustrating ahving sooo much bottled up inside you!! find someone you can trust to share your thought with maybe, but i know that feeling sometimes, when you can't tell anyone but yourself, and your blog buddies!! Hang in there hun, things will fall into place!! We all have those blue days, but remember, 'this too shall pass'! all the best* xoxo

  9. yes its been a crazy 4 years being all pathetic and liking my ex. we couldn't be together because it didnt work out twice already. he's also the type to with many girls :P

    and thank you!! you are very beautiful as well! no trouble finding a guy ;D

  10. Hi hi, It can be good to let your emotion shows sometimes (not all the times of course), it's better than to bury and pile them up because it will be like a time-bomb. I'm not saying that you are free to display whatever emotion you are feeling, use discretion I would say :) but even talking n crying to a guy friend is acceptable (I did that too, coz most of my besties are male too), but of course you can only do it for about 2-3mins lolz...but still better than not.
    in regards to you friend, uhm...maybe you should try telling him the truth? coz you never know what is he really thinking.. anyway, I hope you pick yourself up soon :)